i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
