The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Boobs are out for the taking
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
