the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
