I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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