So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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