Please, let me fuck your mom
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
