I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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