"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
