I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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