my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.