So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.