One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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