She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
