when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
