my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
