i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
