I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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