I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
