I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
