what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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