these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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