2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
did i walk over a car last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
