Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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