it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
