Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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