There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
