I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
