he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
