Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
