Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
