Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
