he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
