there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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