he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
