I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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