Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
