Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
