a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
