I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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