I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
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my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love you. Go after that dick
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