Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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