it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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