Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
