Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
