He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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