She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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