The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
