Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
