i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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