my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
