Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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