rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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