In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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