is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
