No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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