You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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