In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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