I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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