Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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