ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
