Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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