I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
