I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
