I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
