I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
