for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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